Jump for Joy, Anger, Loneliness and Fear

There has to be SOMETHING to make you squeal, yell, or holler often in life!! (…ok now, hold the naughty thoughts, there is a time and place for those good things too…) I’m talking about things that make the little kid in you jump up and down with excitement, joy, or playfulness.

About two weeks ago, I saw Pixar’s “Inside Out” after my family cleared out of the house going back to their own lives. I was overjoyed having my family at home for a week. When everyone left, I wanted to run away from that hollow buzzy feeling in my heart that falls on me like a house. Nothing like cheering up a gal by watching a cartoon, oh boy, I just love ‘em!

I was taken on a ride back through childhood memories. I laughed, cried, felt the grief from loss, warm tears rolled down my face for life gone by… a smartly done, brilliant movie about the conversations inside your head. (If you haven’t seen it, DO it!) I so identified with the character Joy in that movie.

When I was a kid I swung so hard and high on my swing set I thought I could launch to the moon. I played cowboys and Indians with the neighborhood boys, made forts, and climbed & hung from trees. Sometimes I biked as fast as I could whooping and hollering until my eyes watered. I played with paper dolls my grandma gave me. Each doll represented a different country that included native clothing. I imagined what it would be like to go and explore each country. I went through dozens of coloring books and read series of books. I made up plays and directed my brother and sister in them. I went fishing and explored nature. I would make souvenir nature gardens in my bedroom from places we visited. I LOVED to jump up & down and dance on tractor sized inner tubes my dad would inflate and bring home from the mechanic's shop. I jumped and sang at the top of my lungs until I was so happy I thought my heart would burst open and rain flowers all over the world.

Life has a tendency to just try and squash the hell out of that freewheeling, can do, creative, make it happen energy… and sometimes, I know I have done it to myself out of poor or ignorant choices, ouch!

When it comes to creativity and a lot of life, I am still a daredevil. Looking fear in the eye, I figure if I can conceive and feel it then I can do it! I jump in with both feet, all committed to the action needed to make it happen. I run towards life with my arms open wide.

Oh boy, I can just feel that lil preacher in me just itchin’ to jump on the pulpit here… : )

I had a couple of friends in the past month or so talk about feeling jealous of other people, feeling lonely, and a few other things. They sorta candidly said how the grass looked greener on my side of the fence. For a short bit, I felt smug and as always, my inner champion kicked that arrogant box out from underneath me.

When I tuned in to listen more, I felt soft vulnerability returning to my soul as I cleared up a misperception or two. Yeah, sure, I do feel jealous and it lasts all of about a countdown of: T-minus…3-2-1 and then I change that feeling in my heart, I don’t like to feel bad… about me or what I am looking at in front of me in life. I do feel lonely. It would have been sooooo nice to have that cool boyfriend to camp with this past weekend. From time to time, I still feel that being shi* on feeling when the last guy in my life pooped out on making us a priority and left dents in my finances and big dents in his word. And yeah, I do have a head war to end all wars when it comes to getting my lil buns out to exercise.

With every ounce of strong thriving will of my inner champion, I keep reaching out of that hole dug by disgust, bitterness, arrogance, and sadness when life dumps on me or that I chose to dump on myself because I wasn’t valuing myself. Rather than feeling bad camping this past weekend, I trotted all over camp to chat with people, checked out scenery… and bubbles & lights and ate great food! I am upgrading the quality of behavior I want from other people by excusing myself from the company of peeps (quickly now) who do not value me and the life I am creating or have created. I have learned to choose feeling strong & healthy and getting into my jeans over not exercising, well… most of the time ;)

I realized this month though, in pursuit of feeling great and living life I sometimes mask real feelings or the deep struggles I have with joy. I didn’t fully realize that this can make it real hard for people to see, feel, and respect the wholeness of my soul… and well, me! Inspired, transparent being in joy is different than wearing a mask of joy. When life or icky feelings have squashed my freewheeling creativity and natural feel good, rather than go jump around like I did when I was a kid and BE in joy, sometimes I act and express joy but don’t feel it.

Inspired, transparent joy is combining my heart’s intention of creating a great life with all the courage I can muster to express the messy realness of how I feel. Masking my difficult feelings with joy disconnects me from a huge chunk of my truth and can make it hard for someone else to connect with me. Holy cow, wow, right?

Slowly over the past couple of weeks, I have been allowing Joy to sit on the bench, not because I don’t feel it but because I am starting to share, re-learn and express, all over again, my beautiful layers of vulnerability. I know it can be hard but take a look at some of the things you could change just even one notch, such as choosing joy, appreciating sadness, acknowledging anger & fear and/or humbling disgust. Question for a minute, what mask are you putting over you expressing yourself? For me, it has been fun in a cool way to look at some of my automatic settings and change them up a bit.

Thanks for messages or shares about how I inspire you or sharing something you’ve discovered and how it’s working! I feel encouraged when I hear about the things someone learns… and when they give me a thumbs up to rock on, that means a lot to me. Rock on yourself  ~cheers!

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