I love meme’s! There are inspirational, cheeky, and funny ones! Pictures and words…words and pictures; they share feelings and ideas. With imagination and my own perception, I make meanings and stories out of them.
The thoughts I was going to post the month before last are still not ready. When I shared my completed draft for editing a few days ago, my friend said there were five different ideas flowing through it and my writing voice felt unclear. Back to the writing board with a head full of words, mostly self-critical (not helpful) rolling around in my mind.
Practicing being easier on myself, I decided to let it sit for a few days and wait for a bolt of lightning or clap of thunder to connect all the ideas. Waiting is a hard struggle for me, especially when I don’t know what I am waiting for. My mind wanders to leftover tears in my heart for the bike I never got growing up, care that doesn’t show up from significant people in my life, and a few other things that bring out my sadness.
Part of the post I have been writing is about wiggling around in my mind, soul, and feelings to figure out how to better blend my soul’s light and darkness and express it. It was about being real. It was about what I’m doing in the meantime with my creative artistic energy while I wait for some amazing projects to come to life. Today, without really knowing why I feel a raw jagged sadness. My heart hurts. I feel scared and sometimes angry firecrackers of thought pop off in my mind. I feel unsure, small, needy, alone...and a whole box of messy feelings.
Reaching outside myself to gather happiness and encouragement from people sometimes doesn’t work. People say, I am reeeealllly busy or I totally forgot and they hang onto those platitudes as if they were the last lifeboat available on the sinking Titanic. So I’ll scroll through Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram looking for the meme’s and words from other people to reduce my own internal sinking feeling. It helps.
With tears in my eyes, I see steam rising from my hot cup of tea. I stare at dark gray blue clouds out my window. I feel I fail myself when I don't meet a personal goal (hard and scary thoughts for this little overachiever.) I decide to take my own advice “…when what you are doing is not working, it’s really brave to be vulnerable…”
Even though it doesn’t feel good, I am going to let that unfinished post sit for a while, maybe forever, and choose courage to share this struggle. Sometimes when encouraging people, hugs, and words are absent, I keep remembering to tune into my inner voice for coaching. The words I accept from myself can impact my heart like a thrown ice ball, snowball, or a snowflake ---words can help, hurt, heal, haunt, or be a halleluiah. Words make my life story. (Oh good lordy, I can hear my big haired 80’s inner preacher, just sayin’ amen…and A-MEN!!) Despite tears in my heart and eyes, I smile.
Sitting in that vulnerability, I figure out I really need to hear good words today. I want them because they help me stay in the game. I appreciate them because I feel loved and important. It may be the silliest idea ever, making my own version of an inspirational meme to encourage myself; it did make me laugh though. Laughter is one of the best things to help segue way to a better mindset or evolve a situation/idea that feels stuck in expression.
It’s tough to accept that I couldn’t neatly wrap up that post I had been laboring over with a neat little bow and say ta-dah, here it is! I take to heart my artistic growth and meeting the marks I set for myself. I did an equally great thing though. I got up yet again today instead of choosing to lie down, stopping or quitting. I chose to BE the realness I was trying to write about, realness that includes dark, messier feelings I have a hard time processing and expressing. Taking those messy feelings and making something to share helps me remember to keep going.
These thoughts I share are real footsteps in my imperfect journey. They are things I learn, hurt about, believe in, celebrate, and most importantly shed light on processes as a growing artist. If you are down in the dumps, waiting, or need a boost…maybe make your own inspirational meme? Feel encouraged today and stay in the game!
Photo credit: Rachel Riitano
Blog by Mary Riitano...
I'm a Montana actress on a journey sharing my heart and growth through blogging, stories, and poetry, I have faith you'll find empowerment and inspiration to create like a champion in your own life!
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