Tribe has been top of mind for me, a lot lately. I want to have a larger community of friends but making new friends scares the pants off me sometimes. I feel awkward, self-conscious, and always hope I have something valuable to share. Gulping down my fear and letting it fuel my adventuring, I get myself out there.
My overactive inner big haired 80’s preacher wants to get on that soapbox and rant. I started this blog over and over again in my head thinking that the thing I’ve been working on is understanding why chicks don’t support each other…I discovered something a lil deeper.
Last summer… Tattoos. Warm smile. Cute dress. Alot of new people. I felt like I hiding. Just go home, nobody is going to miss your presence here. I sucked in a lot of air in one deep breath and held it in to keep from feeling fuzzy. I half listened to my friend singing jazzy blues on stage. My attention meandered back to the gal I had just met. She was talking about dancing. I caught her watery blue eyes and was pulled in. Wounds. Wildness. Fire. A plead to be liked. I was holding onto a thin thread of my crushed heart as the dude I was dating at the time had just blown up our relationship over Skype. I did not want to meet any new people at the moment, particularly any who might push my buttons or touch my heart.
As talk moved around the table, I mentioned I was going to Nicaragua on holiday which helped light me back up. Before my friend was done singing, I called it an early night since it was a work night and I was afraid a gallon of tears would rupture out my face if anyone looked at me wrong. I asked the blue eyed gal to repeat her name…Jaime. I said goodnight and on my way out she said to come to a party that she was hosting at her studio when I got back from my trip.
She was dressed in a 50’s style dress along with a cool mix of gals. As I mingled, it was hard for me not to notice how her spirit felt untamed. Wild. It was a super fun night and I got a chance to talk her more. She taught dance, blogged, and helped her dancers with self-esteem and been through alotta life sh**. Her wildness appealed to me and I thought man it sure would be great to let go of the tight grip I keep on myself, I wonder how she does that? I was interested in her self-esteem talk group and we agreed to meet for coffee.
I checked up on what she wrote, her Facebook and Instagram, as thoughts of who is this gal rolled around in my head. We met for coffee, we nearly finished each other sentences, an instant click and I could see and feel the soul light we tossed back and forth. It was great getting on board with her Taking Back Pretty self-esteem talk group for her dancers.
Our lives were adventuring all over the place and we started swapping stories and support on the fly. I was holding back though. I had been hurt, not unlike anyone else in life but the latest cast iron frying pans that came flying at my face from a lover, friends and life left me with some badly hurt trust. My feet were ready to run.
I had to push forward. I always do. I can’t stand sinking in fear, least of all, fear of people and what they might say or do as I keep finding my place and voice in this world. So I kept risking. She made me do it. Without pressure, just being her. Her talking about hurt, mistakes, and healing in a real in your face way. Her raising her daughters in a similar way that I raised mine, with openness in communication, answering life questions, with fight, determination and vulnerability. Her leaning in toward her talents, re-discovering her value and expressing it, which is what I am doing too. Her open listening and encouragement as I found all the courage I could muster to talk about where I want to go in life, my dreams, my hurts. Her sharing her resources. Her resilience. Her allowing me to be flawed and be alright…actually more than alright, to be more human.
When I decided to share this month, I asked Jaime for her thoughts. We vented and shared our confusion and sadness about how hard it is to meet women and how we often feel judged, awkward. afraid and like we don't fit in. I was surprised to learn that she felt intimated by me at our first meeting. She told me she thought it was brave that I was out on my own. She believed me to be confident, poised and interesting. She said she felt some jealousy and wasn't really sure why but decided to brush it aside and instead focus on how fun and inspirational it could be to know an independent and passionate woman like me. She said she is so glad she did. All the things I felt like I was getting out of our new friendship, she was too. I was pouring into her life in a wonderfully positive way. Me- the gal who was worried that she had nothing to offer.
As always, I share my life in faith that there is one positive thing that YOU can take away to feel, believe, and DO something better to improve yourself. The power of just one person’s positive influence helping me find that inner permission again to trust, to heal and to feel like I am not alone has been changing my world. Take that one step towards curiosity and trust, being you. It WILL change your world.
(A very big thank you to Jaime Lue Inflore this month for sharing her words and editing encouragement. Go and keep track of us on Facebook and Instragram, -Like, Comment, and Share! The love you share with us through socializing helps us aspiring artists more than I can say!) Click on our names below!
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Blog by Mary Riitano...
I'm a Montana actress on a journey sharing my heart and growth through blogging, stories, and poetry, I have faith you'll find empowerment and inspiration to create like a champion in your own life!
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