Off the Radar

Well, I got back on my feet… and then, fell off the radar. I am always dreaming, reaching, living, creating and experiencing. We all are. There are so many ups and downs. When people I know, love or care about disappear, it leaves me wondering and curious... what happened? So... where did I go? I've been busy…a life cliché I despise. I thought about sharing many times along the way and I haven’t. Lame, I know…Why? Who knows. I folded up into myself to re-sort, process, re-build and now re-emerge to find my sense of life direction still going north, south, east and west all at once. It’s been a job and a half tracking myself.

A list of credits roll for creative pursuits this past year: a kickass production of Spamalot with the Helena Theatre Company, a short film titled, “Beast” (was nominated best actor but didn’t win), a military film about PTSD that completed production, attended webinars to improve the business of acting, photo shoots, attended premieres of two Helena made inde films, networking with other artists, chakra energy class and study, poetry submitted for review for on-line publishing that was rejected, auditions, and started voice lessons and am now up to a full year with a few recitals -no glass breakage, whew… and much more. What a year leveling up skills!

…and then there’s the personal stuff. Processing a year of firsts without my dad has been real rough. I miss him. Snowboarding, hiking and my first mountain biking adventures -nature feeds my soul. The realization that my daughters are living life, don’t actively need me, and holy cow wow, did I do a good job as a mom! Friends with celebrations and crises to support. First trip out of the country to Nicaragua -so so many firsts there, hard to count:  -the sweetness (and scariness) of my first swim in the ocean & learning to surf, -my soul being deeply touched being among so many brave, resourceful people making their way in a poverty stricken country. (This is a picture of a typical rural home). We are so lucky in this country. My heart was blessed with so many authentic smiles despite their rough life. What a gift. -allowing myself to be open and sweetly vulnerable to love again, which left me face down for a while with my heart broken into a million pieces. And, of course, there is all the usual day-to-day life stuff at work and home which I am lucky enough and appreciate being able to do.

So I’m just another actor with emotions, creativity and life happening…why the heck check back in? When I fall down, over, off of…or anywhere, I must get back up, bounce, or something.

My inner champion doesn’t let me stay down.

One of the biggest struggles I've had in the last year is allowing the large range of emotions coming from my experiences to all live in the same house. I kept wanting to sift out the bad and painful ones. They were sinking me.

What I chose to learn in making room for all of my life and it's rich experience of emotions is that change is always there… as is my resilient storytelling about myself, to myself. I realized my self-talk (storytelling inside myself of what my life was going to look like) had gotten saturated in heartache. My brain and soul were in a huge tug-o-war over what life experiences and emotions were going to dictate my next move...in anything.

Allowing pain and heartache to just be in my house has been plain friggin' hard. The trick, though, was for me to learn to not focus on the emotion/event but rather... use the energy from them to propel me forward in creative and other parts of my life. That energy has helped me start making better decisions for me. And it all started...from the decision and raw determination to get up out of that sinking feeling. I've noticed too, that my heart has softened with more compassion and I was able to re-introduce me to my vulnerability which had gotten so many hard spots from obsessing about getting the heartache out of the house.

SO I am beginning again... or maybe even better, continuing where I Ieft off. Cheers to the hundredth or maybe thousandth time of falling and getting up. If you have fallen lately, keep a soft heart for yourself, it's ok, it's going to be ok… just get up and get going.

If you choose to fall... fall upwards, bounce...  :)

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