Well, I got back on my feet… and then, fell off the radar. I am always dreaming, reaching, living, creating and experiencing. We all are. There are so many ups and downs. When people I know, love or care about disappear, it leaves me wondering and curious... what happened? So... where did I go? I've been busy…a life cliché I despise. I thought about sharing many times along the way and I haven’t. Lame, I know…Why? Who knows. I folded up into myself to re-sort, process, re-build and now re-emerge to find my sense of life direction still going north, south, east and west all at once. It’s been a job and a half tracking myself. A list of credits roll for creative pursuits this past year: a kickass production of Spamalot with the Helena Theatre Company, a short film titled, “Beast” (was nominated best actor but didn’t win), a military film about PTSD that completed production, attended webinars to improve the business of acting, photo shoots, attended premieres of two Helena made inde films, networking with other artists, chakra energy class and study, poetry submitted for review for on-line publishing that was rejected, auditions, and started voice lessons and am now up to a full year with a few recitals -no glass breakage, whew… and much more. What a year leveling up skills! …and then there’s the personal stuff. Processing a year of firsts without my dad has been real rough. I miss him. Snowboarding, hiking and my first mountain biking adventures -nature feeds my soul. The realization that my daughters are living life, don’t actively need me, and holy cow wow, did I do a good job as a mom! Friends with celebrations and crises to support. First trip out of the country to Nicaragua -so so many firsts there, hard to count: -the sweetness (and scariness) of my first swim in the ocean & learning to surf, -my soul being deeply touched being among so many brave, resourceful people making their way in a poverty stricken country. (This is a picture of a typical rural home). We are so lucky in this country. My heart was blessed with so many authentic smiles despite their rough life. What a gift. -allowing myself to be open and sweetly vulnerable to love again, which left me face down for a while with my heart broken into a million pieces. And, of course, there is all the usual day-to-day life stuff at work and home which I am lucky enough and appreciate being able to do. So I’m just another actor with emotions, creativity and life happening…why the heck check back in? When I fall down, over, off of…or anywhere, I must get back up, bounce, or something. My inner champion doesn’t let me stay down. One of the biggest struggles I've had in the last year is allowing the large range of emotions coming from my experiences to all live in the same house. I kept wanting to sift out the bad and painful ones. They were sinking me. What I chose to learn in making room for all of my life and it's rich experience of emotions is that change is always there… as is my resilient storytelling about myself, to myself. I realized my self-talk (storytelling inside myself of what my life was going to look like) had gotten saturated in heartache. My brain and soul were in a huge tug-o-war over what life experiences and emotions were going to dictate my next move...in anything. Allowing pain and heartache to just be in my house has been plain friggin' hard. The trick, though, was for me to learn to not focus on the emotion/event but rather... use the energy from them to propel me forward in creative and other parts of my life. That energy has helped me start making better decisions for me. And it all started...from the decision and raw determination to get up out of that sinking feeling. I've noticed too, that my heart has softened with more compassion and I was able to re-introduce me to my vulnerability which had gotten so many hard spots from obsessing about getting the heartache out of the house. SO I am beginning again... or maybe even better, continuing where I Ieft off. Cheers to the hundredth or maybe thousandth time of falling and getting up. If you have fallen lately, keep a soft heart for yourself, it's ok, it's going to be ok… just get up and get going. If you choose to fall... fall upwards, bounce... :)
0 Comments
Back on my feet… well mostly. The last eight months have been pretty rocky. My daughter broke her kneecap which required surgery, my neighbor passed away as did two of our family cats, a couple other family members have been in the hospital for severe digestive problems requiring surgery and stroke, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer in December 2012. I can’t write those words and not feel a large watery lump in my throat and tears run down my face. My winter and into mid-spring involved many trips to care for my daughter and dad; between Salt Lake and Seattle, I think I may have put over 4,000 miles on my truck. I watched my dad over the years create life and care for us. He worked so many lower end blue collar jobs from tire changing, security, post & pole, odd jobs and a lot of janitorial jobs. Hard, brutal work to do to make sure our family had the bare minimum basics. Our family has been homeless and hungry and stranded. I watched him stand in unemployment lines. I watched him swallow the largest pride a man has in providing for his family by having to pan handle for money when we were stranded in traveling. My family had so many, many just plain old life survival hardships, that when we got the lab reports, I was stupefied speechless. I was mad as hell at God as I thought we had served our time in tragedy and suffering over the years pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps barely surviving at times. I think I lived in a make-believe world and thought that maybe maybe illness and death would not apply in the usual way. We could just live to old age and pass away in our sleep, if we had to die even at all. He passed away in mid-April of this year. I made my peace with my dad a long time ago; so in being with him dying, there was very little angst left. Being with my dad at this point was beyond words -it was the purest state of being and honoring another‘s spirit. I was so very humbled as he was so brave in facing everything in the last months of his life - I hope I can be that brave. My memories now are ever so precious of sitting with him wrapped in blankets on my couch and massaging his back when he hurt. We always had a bit of tug of war on life perspectives; him coming from the 1940’s perspective and me with my Generation X artist view. One thing we never argued about was how much we loved each other. I miss having him here to share my life with. I love you very much dad, you were one of my life hero’s. A short thought to reconnect since I’ve been away from my website for a while. More on that later, but for now…hello :) Lately I’ve been allowing myself be amazed by the creation of my seemingly ordinary days. I get to wake up and create a day - maybe one that looks a lot like yesterday, maybe one that is slightly better. I love looking at the same thing I might have seen day after day and allowing a different perspective which makes a newer and bubbly energy trickle through me. Then I get to use that slightly shifted energy and level up the same old task at work or home or in doing whatever…hmmm, I sense a game-on lighting up here. A game in the sense of experiencing the ordinary, taking the moment in and then tapping into soul magic and changing my sometimes usual humdrum feel to smiling deeper gratitude. Yes, I am a dork. Loving ordinary moments right now, -driving to work, having some great belly laughs, eating good food at my favorite places, having a beer with friends, hikes in the mountains and the blessing of health…since there is an abundance of the ordinary every day, why not play with turning them all into something beautiful? xo's I went to buy a few things for a care package for a friend who had surgery yesterday. I felt pretty safe meandering through the store since I’ve conquered…mostly ;) my impulse buying, tee hee. I wandered around the clothes, shoes and ended up in the home department and saw some sheets. I could use some new ones I thought and…Wow! Cool! -look at that! They resist pilling up, smooth sheets are nice. None of that itchy pebbly feel. They would look pretty in my bedroom. I imagined crawling into them and pulling them up to my nose with that fresh outdoor smell after they are washed and dried…
I noticed the shadow creep in, a shift and my left eye slightly hurt…They don’t have my color, well…not really, wow, $49.99 - is that in the budget for the month? Do I really need them? Can I be happy without them, your dad is sick, you need to clean, you don’t have anyone special in your life…why would you buy something when life is not perfect? Yup, she snuck in, that lil demon who’s followed me around since, well, forever. Oh, super cute and impeccably dressed in the latest reality busting dress, shoes, and matching purse. She takes down my joy moment and sorta freeze frames any action I am about to take by telling me how it “is.” There are times I wanna take a two-by-four and knock her out to Pluto. You have one like that? That snotty demon who reminds you nothing in your reality even remotely is right or 100% perfect - the safest thing to do is to speed walk on by, and for pete’s sake, don't you dare stop, be curious, and choose something different. The she-devil won. I poked around a bit more and left to check out. Awhile after I got home, the thought occurred to me, why didn’t I choose to take that joy moment? And how many times have I exercised that demon and she’s still hanging around my head space! Yeesh...the budget is a-ok, dad is moving closer to home, and soooo what about all the other things? …going back to get those sheets. Choose you’re your joy moment today - not later…right now. Create a day full of joyful moments ~ Mary Keep putting one foot in front of the other…recently led me to spend time at Sundance 2013. Third time’s a charm. Two years ago, I went and experienced the people and got a lay of the land. A year ago, was able to figure some more things out and attended a premiere. This time, researched, got there early, got tuned into a good buddy system and was able to feel like I really accomplished something by meeting people and celebrating some well done film and documentary premieres. I like to appreciate how tough it can be moving toward what we love to do - so, yeah...go me! Seems silly now, some of the fears I had of not fitting in and the confidence I’ve been struggling with the past years.
The biggest personal revelation was that I was able to connect people’s accomplishments to their humanity. Seeing Nicole Kidman talking about the film she was in and really absorbing the fact that she’s a real human being spoke volumes to my heart. Don’t you ever feel like that? When someone you admire, feels so out of reach, you think they have this special other world quality you don’t -so therefore, you can’t possibly do what they do? Well, I felt that way. Now, I feel more connected to some cool rays of hope and a sense of I can, rather than I can’t, and Nicole is still aces in my book. The Women in Film panel blew my hair back! One of the ladies said she didn’t think of herself as extraordinary or great, just doing what she felt passionately compelled to do. I think that sums up the other great thing I learned - just keep after it, one foot at at time. With the help of my good friend Ryan Pfeiffer today, got an updated version of my web up ~ and it’s way more manageable with Weebly. Still tweeking it a bit, so stay tuned!
As we are opening up the new year 2013, I feel deeply appreciative of people who support and follow what I am doing creatively. Thanks for taking time to cruise around the new website. Wish all that connect to me blessings and unending joy. Sundance Film Festival is around the corner and I’m pointing efforts toward getting ready to take in some films and connect with some great people in filmmaking The end of 2012 left my family helping my dad as he was diagnosed and very ill. Thank you for the support and love from everyone as my family and I are still dealing with life in it’s most precious time.
If you're taking a minute to read about the cool things I was able to do last year, thank you! I am so very grateful for the people I’ve gotten to know and work with this year and for all the adventures I’ve had in learning more about all aspects of the arts. I am humbly grateful for the support of family and friends. Wishing you a very peaceful, healthy and loving start to the new year. Much love, Mary Was cast in and acted in a couple of film shorts, Magpie produced by Sanshead Studios and The Pharmacy on Mercury Street produced by Meg McWhinney, http://www.megmcwhinney.com/mercury-street-film.html Worked with director, Andrew Mozer, Froman Films, acting his film short submission for the 2012 Martin Holt Film Short Film Festival. Crimson Winter, http://www.crimson-winter.com/ the inde film I helped cast in 2011, had a soft premiere at the Myrna Loy in August 2012 ~ the project is being promoted and in the distribution process. I auditioned for and didn’t get a part in Fighting for Grace but worked on the film as an extra. I worked on and auditioned for a Montana film project Love Like a Champion. Super to see such a great turnout of local talent. Feel blessed to see co-writers and directors Cynthia Hsiung and Nick Milodragovich in action working with talent at the audition. I was cast in What Separates Us, an inde film produced by Interwoven Studios and it wrapped filming mid-October. I had some cool learning adventures in television/internet work in 2012. I had the opportunity to be cast in a trio of Fish, Wildlife and Parks commercials promoting safety in bow hunting season should you encounter bears. The crew from ABC FOX -Bozeman was great to work with as was my fellow comedian actor. I did a little sleuthing to find some volunteer work at Helena Civic TV and hosted the television show Community Pulse as an interviewer about a half dozen times. I helped educate the local community with the help of some cool guests about upcoming local city events. I was tickled to see I’m listed out on the web as a regular volunteer! http://helenacivictv.org/who-we-are/meet-the-staff/ When the show Diggers for National Geographic was in town filming, I had a fun time being an extra. I was cast in a demonstration internet video for a cool portable tool for the Ipod touch and other such devices, filming was completed fall of 2012. I’ll add the website connection when it goes up! Some other very cool things that I did in 2012 ~ *Worked with Dennis Dorr, Digital Montana Photography ~ Excellent photographer's eye and a super guy to work with! *Performed in an interesting series of improv skits for sculptor, Tim Holmes, for his piece titled, Body Psalms at the Myrna Loy. It’s a thought provoking production advocating more appreciation of the beauty of the human body. http://timholmesstudio.com/films/film2.html *Went to the world premiere of Where the Yellowstone Goes directed by Hunter Weeks. The film had awesome cinematography of Montana landscape and some priceless interviews of Montanans living along the Yellowstone River who help keep the river clean. *Attended a great lecture by Erik Brown, first camera man who worked with Terrence Malick on the Tree of Life. *Went to the Big Sky Documentary Film festival in February 2012 to see a documentary about the making of Winter in the Blood and met one of the directors along with other filmmakers. *Started some training for a film short – learning to do some basic fighting from the Pink Gloves Boxing crew and a good friend who knows martial arts. *Started some vocal coaching late in 2012. *Got an group of actors together for weekly study and to keep acting skills polished up and continue to study with Tina Buckingham at the Montana Actor's Studio. *Attended a premiere at Sundance Film Festival 2012, Red Lights, directed by Rodrigo Cortes starring Sigourney Weaver and Robert DeNiro. A nail biter! I felt it kept great curiosity going as the story progressed about how the storyline and characters. *Went to a listening session for the audio book that I worked on A Cure to Die For. It’s sound great! Congrats Stephen! |
Blog by Mary Riitano...I'm a Montana actress on a journey sharing my heart and growth through blogging, stories, and poetry, I have faith you'll find empowerment and inspiration to create like a champion in your own life! Categories
All
Sharing is awesome...Love to hear respectful thoughts or comments. Please share with your friends and family if you find something helpful or entertaining! |